So I went to Austin for a week and just got back yesterday. I literally cried as I headed north on I35 back here (to Fort Worth). I love Austin. I love the people in Austin. I love the aurora of Austin. I love the creeks, hiking, swimming and all the nature shit one can do with nice friends.
God dammit.
Now I have an awesome sunburn as a reminder of it’s badassiness.
I also left Devin there. Baaaaaaaaaah Kill me please.
And some random photos from back in may -
Why is it that some cities don’t have the option to pay traffic citations online?
Walking into a damn courthouse to pay of a ticket asks for panic attacks. Ugghhh.
Well, having to make a presence in any bureaucratic office is beyond stressful. Even when I do take care of my shit and know that I have no warrants, I can’t help but feel like I’m going to puke everywhere.
I brought this up because I’m trying to take care of shit from home, and of course it is not working out (as usual). Southlake doesn’t have an online payment system. You would think - being the richest fucking city in the U.S., they’d be able to afford some kind of payment system.
And it has a lot to do with how they bullshit you if you DO have a warrant.
Such as over a year ago… They did this to me in Frisco; I called, asking details about my citation and they specifically said ‘No - your ticket has not become a warrant and you need to come in and pay your fine.’
So - I get to the courthouse, and they wouldn’t let me pay for my fine because I did not have a picture ID.
I did not renew my license because I was afraid to go to dmv for fear of a warrant, which is why I came to this courthouse in the first place because I needed a new id before my 21st bday.
“I’ll head back home and get an expired ID then.” I tell the clerk, but she looks up at me and states: “I can’t let you out of the building, you have a warrant.”
“I thought you told me over the phone I that my ticket had not yet become a warrant.” I’m say, further angered.
“It just became one. I cannot let you leave the building.”
“CAN’T I JUST PAY FOR IT, WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF I DON’T HAVE A PICTURE ID; YOUR STILLING GETTING MONEY.” (I’m getting pissed).
“It’s protocol, you have to have a picture ID and I cannot let you leave the building with an active warrant.” She says, like some kind of parrot.
So I called my sister, asked her to go by my apartment (about 45 minutes away from her house), and ask her to grab a journal I had years ago where I pasted an old id of mine in. However, It’s about 3:00 and she isn’t off work yet and the courthouse closes at 5:00.
So I sit and wait, and she can’t make it on time (bless her for being helpful though, man I don’t deserve that). Two hours go by (I’m sitting in the front with a damn cop watching me like I’m going to bolt for a fucking traffic citation). Thankfully the judge requests to see me at the end of his day, so I take an oath in front of him that I am the name of the person I’m TRYING TO PAY A DAMN FINE FOR.
I pay off the warrant and leave.
Ugh.
Of course, this all could have been avoided if I just paid off my shit. I understand that I was irresponsible. However, it pisses me off how they fool you into coming in. And why I can’t pay off my own fine without a photo id is straight up retarded. The reason why I had not renewed my id was because of a fear of a warrant, so I came here to get that fixed and ended up almost going to jail for a fucking 200-something dollar fine. It was just some weird kind of place to get myself stuck in, even the judge thought it was humorous.
Well, I guess it does make some sense though, if your clerk at a courthouse and someone calls you up asking if they have a warrant - obviously you have to say no even if they do, otherwise they would not come in. All counties have hard-ons for folks with warrants, even for parking tickets.
—- So this, my friends, is why I am scared of municipal courthouses, dmv’s, and any other departments. And this is why I’m trying to take care of it over the internet. Sometimes just logging onto any department website gives me anxiety and think a damn swat team is going to bust through my front door.
Enough of that, before I give myself a heart attack.
Well, speaking of heart attacks.. I ran today for the second time.
It actually felt better this time around, I was able to run longer. Problem is the damn blister on the back of my heel.. which is no longer a blister but a bunch of shredded skin. I bought blister bandaids but they just rubbed off. Dammit.
.. wtf. I can hear my sister’s cats arguing right outside my room. ha.
So I didn’t go running today. It was raining. Boohoo.
I’m kind of pissed because I was actually looking forward to it. That surprises me, and it’s a good sign. So instead I went to walmart and bought running shit (cheap tank tops and shorts). I also had to buy shitloads of blister bandaids, I have very good running shoes that I bought over a year ago (New Balance 874, got them off ebay), and have ran in them before and never had problems. I guess I wore shitty socks this time. The back of my heels are a disgusting mess of rubbed off skin.
I had a massive migraine last night, I don’t know if it was the working out that contributed to it. I did wake up at a decent time and slept pretty good though. My ass and shins hurt today, like very slight shin splints.
I bought Cetaphil facewash as well and just used it, I think I like this stuff. It’s not too drying, and makes my skin feel ubersoft.
Uhm, yeah.
And I have not been shit-faced drunk in 6 days, which is about the third time I’ve done this in 2 years. Woohoo!
(It’s because of this whole diet thing, beer is horrendously fattening). I’m sure I’ll be getting drunk before this weekend, I find myself thinking about it often… but not near to the point of buying anything.
I also forgot to mention that chaos in tejas was last weekend, ugh. I can distinctly remember missing it last year, and telling myself ‘oh there’s always next year…’, and well. I missed it again. Either way, I’m not paying $60 to see any number of bands. I’m just mostly pissed that I could have hung out with some interesting people and had a good time. Devin couldn’t make it either, and there’s no way I’d go without him anyway.
So I finally got off my ass and went running today.
Well, more like brisk walking for an hour, I ran for about 100 feet and felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I’ll slowly move up the more I get in shape. Either way, it was exercise, and I feel great. I felt like crap during it though, but once I got home and sat down my gelatin legs felt pretty good.
I plan to drive to the trinity river, or other areas such as parks to have a change of scenery. The neighborhood was just too weird, as there were kids all over the damn place and people in their front yards.
I think I’ll sleep well tonight, will probably be sore as hell tomorrow. I just hope I stick with it.
I want a job.
Poor website. Neglected. Over-looked. Hitless.
I went to Beaumont again, saw Devin’s friends’ band, Capital Scam for their last show of their tour. It was awesome. Beaumont is always awesome. Dallas/Fort Worth fucking sucks and I want out of here. There are too many goddamn closed minded snotty people who pretty much come off as prejudice towards me (or something, who knows… which makes no sense as I am probably the nicest person you’ll ever meet, confused - but am willing to please). But just as equally there are cool people. I guess I’ve just been through too much crap here and want to get away.
Well, people are people, and they are like that everywhere. I guess it gets more and more noticeable the longer you live in one area.
I’m also still jobless, and having one would make a massive positive impact on my life. I’d drink less, feel like I’m accomplishing something, and have some kind of schedule besides laying around all day hating myself. I’m pretty much on the verge of mental breakdown, or well… I’ve always felt like this. Why I haven’t shot myself yet is beyond me.
Maybe I ought to see a shrink in hopes to get some kind of anti-depressants. Sure, medication is never the right answer but I’ve been so bad off this past year that I’m sleeping around 14 hours a day and am pissed off whenever I wake up because I’m still fucking alive and in this same place. Willpower isn’t working.
I have another fucking interview tomorrow, this time at Walgreens to work at the cosmetic counter. Walmart didn’t work out, apparently my B misdemeanor pot possession from 3 years ago deemed me ‘unhirable’ (such bullshit, seriously - your telling me that EVERYONE who’s worked at Walmart has ONLY had traffic citations/offenses related to that class).
Walgreens will probably turn out the same, afterall, bigass corporations… (ugh don’t get me started on that). I think I’ll just try to be alittle more straight up in this interview rather then sugarcoating everything, since that hasn’t seemed to work.
I don’t pay bills, I have money. Not mine, but I have it. So for financial reasons - a job isn’t entirely needed. But, I’m borderline about to blow up this planet in anger and am drowning myself in a horrendous depression because I sit around all day and think too much about bullshit. I drink way to much, since I don’t have to get up and work the next day. I shower once a damn week because I simply feel no damn motivation to get off my ass and even go out…. because nobody is fucking hiring me and I’m not accomplishing anything, being an overall failure. A job is important for my mental state. Very.
And once I do find work (most likely in post-apocalyptic times if I survive) I am going to save up and move the fuck out of here and get a place with Devin in Austin or in the near-area. We choose Austin because a.) people there are great and much more accepting b.) there is a bus system for him c.) We’re already friends with many folks down there (well, he is.. but I’m well acquainted) d.) Being in a ‘happy’ environment will keep me sane, thus functioning.
Devin and I have been together for 9 fucking months but not with our own place, and having to deal with the 250 miles between us. I’m hating it. I’ve had to get in my car, say bye to him, and drive away about 7 times now.. leaving him at places not even he can stay at. His situation is even worse then mine, since nobody can let him stay with them and he’s out in the middle of nowhere. How he can get a job that’s in bumfuck africa without a home is near impossible.
However, there are a few things about Austin that has me worried. a.) If things DID go downhill (financially/emotionally/achoholically/any other kind of ally) I’d go crazy. Probably move back in with my parents and possibly finally work up the guts to kill myself b.) There are many good people there, who enjoy hanging out often - If I’m going to hang out with anyone I will have to work on my drinking by not doing it unless there’s a show or party or something. Hanging out and NOT having a beer in my hand is a massive battle I’ll have to deal with. People make me nervous. Beer numbs nervousness. I have to learn to get over that. c.) The last time I lived with a boyfriend it damn near ruined my life, of course, Devin is very much different from that last psycho… but I still worry about things going the complete opposite of what is planned.
Well, that’s the bottom line - fear of the unknown. Always plaguing me.
And a change of topic, before I start breaking something or crying…
I’m going to start eating right and working out. I have not weighed myself in months, but I’m damn sure it’s nearing 190 lbs. My pants do not fit anymore. I need to go out and buy more, but I hate, hate hate absolutely hate shopping. So instead I don’t wash them, so they remain stretched out. I don’t wear my modified tank top band shirts anymore because they too hardly fit and I feel uber-huge having my shoulders and upper arms showing.
Plus, getting off my ass and exercising will make me feel overall better about myself, and increase my energy. If I could channel all my stress and sadness into running around the neighborhood again, that would be much better then eating fried chicken and playing PS3.
I’ve done it before, can do it again. I have lost around 20 lbs by eating right and jogging back in late 2007 early 2008, but it took about 6 fucking months to do so. I’ve gained all that back and then some because I did not stick to it. But I know it is possible, and it wasn’t entirely as dreadful as most think it to be. The hard part will be the first 2 weeks or so, since I’m so damn out of shape.
I’ve also craiglisted stationary bikes and intend to buy one, that way I could stick it in front of the television and sit there drilling myself in my bedroom.
It’s so damn unfair that my metabolism is slow as fuck. If I ate like a normal person I still gain weight, so I just need to do extra. I know it is society that makes us believe we’re supposed to look a certain way that’s unrealistic, and I’ve had so many men tell me not to worry and that I’m fine. But seriously they’re full of shit. I’m 5′8″ and yes, I wouldn’t mind being 120 lbs - which is sickly, but seriously, it would be nice to be a size 2. But it ain’t going to happen unless I run daily marathons and go on an all-out cocaine binge. I’m just going to eat right, work out, and not aim for a specific number or size but just see how much lard I can loose in healthy method.
Well, that was a large post - and what’s surprising about it is that I’m 100% sober. This is probably the first post I’ve made that’s over a paragraph and I’m not in a drunken ramble.
Oh and by the way, I bought Grand Theft Auto 4 and Resistance and both are badass. Resistance is beginning to scare the crap out of me.
I CAN’T STOP PLAYING OBLIVION!!!
So in my last post I mentioned my citations.
I paid off the P.I. warrant, because… well, uhm. I got pulled over for speeding and was picked up for it. Thank god I had money in the bank and was out of Keller jail in less than an hour. I’m ashamed, but happy that they were able to book and process me that quickly. I just have to call Irving tomorrow to make extra sure that the warrant is cleared.
So, no more P.I. warrant! I’m broke. $390 to pay that MF off. And just to think, if I were to be responsible and pay it off in the beginning it would be around $250. But my dumbass had to be insubordinate and let it draw out into a warrant. Once again. I’ve been arrested in grand total about 10 times in the past 3 years, most of which being warrants for BS, lost a job because of a warrant related arrest and just causing more burdens for myself. I don’t get it, why can’t I just grow the fuck up and take care of things? I guess I just think I can get away from legal things, but no - I don’t. Ever. The right thing to do would be to sit it out and not bother to pay for it. I should learn to ‘pay my dues’.
And now, two more speeding tickets.
Sheesh. I have an iron foot 
Beth - get it together. Please for fucks sake.
Or just move, far… far far away. To someplace non-exsistant like middle earth.
Or well, I’ve come close… Oblivion came in the mail today and I’m playing this game non-stop. It’s like crack!!!
Help! I need an rpg PS3 intervention!!!
Mom bought me a PS3!
So here I am bitching about all these traffic citations and not being to pay them off and I get a PS3; oh my priorities are so jacked up. But look at it this way - the PS3 has caused me to stay home; basically becoming a full blown hermit. I’m less likely to get picked up by the cops if I stay in, right?
I quite literally have not left the house in DAYS. I bought Tomb Raider: Underworld and I’m pathetically addicted. And it’s only gonna get worse - I ordered Oblivion off of Amazon for $20 and it should be in any day now. I can see myself being massively obsessed with it.
The graphics are AMAZING. I guess after playing my PS2 for so many years, and not seeing much of a PS3 has made me not realize how damn advanced things are with gaming.
I’m also starting a diet thing I kind of came up with. It works.
I eat the right amount of calories in the day - 2,000 or so (I try to make a guess at how much I’ve consumed) and by the end of the day if I’m craving for munchies or another sandwich, I chug as much water as possible. It makes my stomach feel full, and water is good. I sure been pissing a lot, even waking up at night to make a trip to the bathroom. But it keeps me from over-eating and I already feel better. They say your supposed to drink asstons of water every day and now I understand that it actually helps.
I’ve also cut sodas and fast food out entirely, and the alcohol intake has slowed down quite a bit (though I drank a 6-pack last night). A lot has to do with the PS3, instead of being bored and getting drunk every night, I’m kept entertained.
Of course I’ve done all this before. It’ll last a couple weeks and then I’ll go back to bad habits. It’s like a damn rotation beyond my control.
As for that Walmart interview, I’m quite sure I got the job. The problem is I had to have a drug test. And it’s just my luck to have to have it when I hardly EVER smoke weed anymore, but I had a hit a couple days previous to the test. Wtf. We’ll have to see how that goes. Ughhhh…
I also cut my bangs. A bit too short. It’s hard to straighten them, I’ve already burned my forehead and fingers multiple times. Well, it will grow back. And no matter what it’s better then before, since they were in my face and annoying as all hell.
… at Walmart. I’m officially lame. But whatever, it’s a fucking job and I’ll take anything right now. My ultimate last resort would be anything as far as fast food, because working in that area would pose a health risk as I would eat everything.
If I don’t get hired at fucking Walmart, of all places, I should really just consider moving to a different country.
A couple shots before the interview could help, at least that way I would not be nervous and have plenty of confidence. Haha (NO, I’m not going to do that).
I can’t sleep.
I find myself really mad right now for no particular reason.
Devin and I did another one of our ping-ponging across Texas. This time it consisted of Beaumont, Austin, Houston, Del Rio, and that south tip near Big Bend. I dropped him off back in Beaumont several days ago. Ugh. I hate having to adjust without him. Someday we’ll have our own apartment. It’s will happen, but getting a job during this impossible time isn’t helping the situation.
I have over a hundred photos but I’m too damn lazy to post them. But here’s a couple of us in our lovely 5 star suite:
I also seriously need to get off my fat lard tubby nasty ass and start running. It’ll help with the stress and I can’t really fit in my pants anymore, it takes a good 5 whole minutes of me fighting with them to get them on. And my damn face looks like a damn muffin and I can’t even see my damn cheekbones because there’s about an inch of fucking fat all over my face. God dammit. Why can’t I have a fast metabolism or make myself puke. Dammit.
I’m just on a roll, eh?
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Dammit fucking cocksucking rainbow colored cum bubble on a dead man’s ass horseshit.
And the city of Irving sent me a fucking letter for that fucking P.I. and speeding ticket warning me about possible warrants. Fuck you. A couple nights in jail almost seems peaceful right now. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M BUSY WORKING, NOBODY WILL FUCKING HIRE MY FATASS. I love sleeping, and jail is damn well a good place to do that.
They just need asstons of money because some dumbass decided to build the whole friggin city on a landfill, so now all the little yup shopping centers are sinking and the roads are fucked. ‘Tard.
(I’ll pay it off; somehow. Sheesh.)
I wish I had the power to fly.
I was sticking a sewing needle between my teeth when I noticed I broke a chunk off one of my front ones. Fuckkkk. At least it’s from the backside, so you can’t see anything when I smile. It’s annoying though, and I keep tonguing it.
So I went to New Braunfels with my sister for the night. Her friend from California was there, and being that it’s only 4 hours away we drove down there to hang out. It was alright, not much to do there. But I like going to new places even if the don’t have much to do. It was an experience.
And…
Tomorrow I’m driving to Beaumont to see DEVIN!!!!!
YES. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen each other and I’m going insane.
There’s also a show on saturday, Molotov Compromise is playing at Julio’s garage. Woohoo.
I’m just dreading the 5 and half hour drive. Ick.
Twister is on TNT. I haven’t seen this shit in years - hellz yeah. Good ole Bill Paxton. Ha.
And the Popeyes near my house is ran by a bunch of morons. I had to repeat my order 3 times at the intercom and they still got it completely wrong, it was cold, and the dude at the window wouldn’t stop trying to have a conversation with me. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been so frustrated, but one of my contacts fell out while driving there - so here I was driving with only one eye open to keep myself from getting nauseous. Then I somehow managed to near hang myself with my seat belt when I got out of my car, causing my chicken box to open and my biscuit fell out.
I also owe the City of Irving about $300-400 worth of fines that I do not know how the hell I’m going to pay. Ugh.
Fuck my life.
I just want to go to Beaumont, pick up Devin, and drive north - anywhere. Or go back to New Mexico and be woodland people. Max the shit out of my gas card. Run away. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.
These are from last night -
I need to cut my bangs. They’re getting annoying.
I’m also getting more and more addicted to makeup. The best site EVER. It’s pointless. But whatever. I have nothing better to do then paint my face.
I hate that Devin lives 300 miles away. Why can’t I just find a fucking job, get my shit together, my own place… and have him stay with me; like a normal couple.
Oh wait … NOBODIES HIRING ME. I’m going to my next interview tipsey (no - not really, but it’s crossed my mind).
Fuck the world. I hope the apocalypse hurries the fuck up and I’m standing right in the path of it. Fuck everyone. This is a big shithole where only the selfish survive.
